Winning this dang day

The staff at Central Kansas Cancer Center, and the amazing machine we took to calling Big Hero 6, ushered me through 39 daily radiation treatments intended to eradicate the remaining prostate cancer living in my body.

When my cancer journey began last spring, I made a couple of vows to myself.

First, I was going to be completely transparent in my fight. Maybe some good can come of this. Maybe my fight will prevent someone else from the same experience.

Second, I wasn’t going to cross my streams. This fight is personal. My work is my work, and I didn’t want this story to become intertwined with my job of reporting on Kansas State sports.

It’s become clear that in order to keep that first promise to myself, there are times when I must break the second. This is one of those times. Today, I write these words for both GoPowercat.com, a website I publish as part of the 247Sports Network, and for my personal blog, LifeofFitz.com, where I chronicle my cancer journey.

Coach Bill Snyder’s 16 Goals stared at me throughout the fall. They are big as life on a wall in the theatre room the Kansas State football program uses for press conferences. If you’re not familiar with the 16 Goals, they are a guide his players follow to achieve success on and off the field.

Some of these goals have stood out to me since I was officially diagnosed with prostate cancer in June of 2018. I underwent a radical prostatectomy on July 3, only to discover after the surgery that my cancer had aggressively spread into my bladder.

1. Commitment; 2. Unselfishness; 5. Be Tough; 10. Never Give Up; 13. Expect to Win … They all rang true as I launched into my fight and discovered a burning desire to make it my mission to spread the word to my fellow men about testing their PSA score early and often. I encourage my brothers to openly discuss prostate cancer with the same purpose that our sisters now discuss breast cancer.

They have been so brave in their battle, so relentless in changing the social construct from the word “breast” being taboo in the 1970s to the widespread awareness we all now have for this disease.

Women were told not to discuss breast cancer. Men choose to ignore prostate cancer until it can’t be ignored. Men, like me, too often learn the meaning of a “PSA score” because it’s elevated level indicates prostate cancer is present. Brothers, we can do better for ourselves.

On Monday, Dec. 17, 2018, I climbed off the table at the Central Kansas Cancer Center in Manhattan after my 39th, and final, radiation treatment to try to eradicate my cancer. The projected odds of the treatments working were not particularly good, but I don’t mind being an underdog. I expect to win, and the people who worked with me somehow made daily radiation treatments a joyful experience.

Those 15 minutes lying motionless on the table each week became an ideal time to pray for strength, the healing of others and to reflect on what is really important in life. Cancer has my life's compass focused just as the big white machine we called Big Hero 6 aimed its radiation from varying angles and shapes at my inflicted regions each morning. Each dose may have been different, but its intent was the same. There was a lesson in that for me. You can accomplish much with a daily checklist that is bound by a common purpose.

Through it all, I never missed a session, even when I was so worn out I could hardly drag myself out of bed. I tried to be tough when the radiation began to scorch my bladder and colon, causing issues I won’t chronicle here. I sure as hell have no plans to ever give up.

Still, it wasn’t the disciplines of Bill Snyder that came to mind as I walked out of the cancer center after my final treatment.

Coach Snyder retired on Dec. 3, 2018, and his successor, Chris Klieman applied a more folksy style in his own expression of persistence. Klieman, when speaking to his new team for the first time, told them to “win the dang day.” To get better, to move forward, to achieve on a daily basis.

That catchphrase is now racing through the Kansas State sports family. Coach Snyder would always tell his team “to get a little bit better each day,” and in a football sense, the two phrases mean the same thing.

For me, however, #WinTheDangDay is a perfect partner to my personal motto in this battle, #ForwardWeGo. They are both rooted in determination and optimism. You just have to keep going no matter the score. No matter the odds. No matter how you feel, either emotionally or physically.

Some days, getting out of bed is winning the day.

Some days, embracing your own cancer as a blessing to help others wins the day.

Each day is different. Each challenge varies in its magnitude. Each victory is realized by simply going forward.

Having cancer sucks. That is obvious. But it’s hard to explain the suspended universe in which your fate hangs to those who have not faced these odds. In February, we will be able to test to see if my radiation treatments failed. Bad news will be definitive. Good news is not. Good news on that day will not mean I am cured only that I am in remission, knowing that my cancer may be gone or it may be waiting to fight another day.

All I can do from now until the end of my time is keep going forward; to keep winning the dang day.

This day was a victory — an emphatic one! I am confident radiation is in my past, but I don’t get to map out the course of this journey.

I only get to keep going forward. One dang day at a time.